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12 November 2007 @ 10:43 am
Numb3rs Fic: Two Red Faces  
Posted to numb3rs_slash

Title: Two Red Faces (Sequel to Three Red Balls)
Series/Universe: Three Red Balls
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie, Megan, David, Colby, Amita
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Judgment Call, Spree, Two Daughters, The Mole, The Janus List, Trust Metric
Summary: Colby asks Charlie and the team for help handling his balls
Notes/Warnings: Read the disclaimer on my LJ

"They all look alike."

Colby, Don, Megan and Charlie all stared at the one open box on the table in Charlie's office. From ten feet away. They knew it was ten feet because of the pole on the ground in front of them. David was pretending to examine one of Charlie's physics toys at the complete opposite end of the room.

"Of course if I could get a closer look..." Charlie mused.

"No!" Colby and Don shouted at the same time.

"Jeez, you guys! You came to me because I'm a scientist at a major research university. How am I supposed to advise you if I can't even look at the thing?"

"Okay," Don said reluctantly. "But no touching. Don't even breathe on it. In fact, don't inhale." He shrugged at Colby's raised eyebrow. "Worked for Clinton."

"Cover me, I'm going in..."

Charlie tiptoed towards the open box, as if stealth was important, and bent over it, examining it closely. After a moment everyone behind him stopped holding their breath and gasped for air before holding their breath again.

Finally Charlie stood up, not that that made a big difference in his height, and announced, "I'm ready to move on to the next phase of the examination: testing."

"Testing as in like looking at it under a microscope?" David asked, joining the others warily.

"Testing as in picking it up and recording the results."

"Not exactly what the FBI wants on YouTube," Colby mumbled under his breath.

"I don't think that's a good idea, buddy," Don warned.

"Look, based on what Colby told us about his," he cleared his throat, "experience, the worst it'll make me do is want to have sex. Now Amita's in her office down the hall. If I get infected all I have to do is go down the hall and I'm set."

"Why isn't Amita here?" Megan asked.

"Forgive me for not wanting my girlfriend in a room full of big he-men and a ball that compels you to have sex," Charlie deadpanned. "So the plan is I pick it up and put it back down. You guys observe me and write down whatever I do. If I'm successfully able to, well, do nothing..."

"You're good at that," Don huffed. "I've seen you on Saturday afternoons when there's chores to be done."

"Then Colby's mistaken about the ball's properties," Charlie continued, throwing an annoyed glance at his brother. "And I've seen you show up after the backyard is all cleaned up just as the steaks are going on the grill so don't bitch about lazy to me."

"Okay!" Megan interrupted. "So if Charlie turns into a sex crazed lunatic what's to stop him from attacking one of us?"

Charlie furrowed his brow. "You're right. Perhaps you should leave, Megan. I mean," he gestured to Don, Colby and David. "It's not like any of these guys have had sexual thoughts about me." All three men suddenly found the need to look elsewhere, Don most successfully.

"It's not like I have," Megan protested.

Charlie coughed. "Unfortunately I can't say the same."

Charlie blushed as Megan smirked, a little triumphant. "Not to worry, I'm armed."

"Hey!" Don cried. "This is my brother we're talking about!"

"With handcuffs, Don! I promise to take him down with Krav Maga, not my gun."

Charlie got a little glazed look in his eye. "Oh, I really think you should leave, Megan."

"Fine." She headed out the door. "I'll keep Amita company until you come by to ravish her."

"That'll happen later with or without the ball," Charlie said to the men with a wink. "Okay! Here goes..."

Charlie pulled back his sleeve, giving the impression this was a magic trick, and picked up the ball with a flourish.

"So far, no change," he said, in his best 'I'm a scientist' voice. Bill Nye would have been proud. "But it smells really good. Like leather, old books... And sex."

"Here we go," Colby said mournfully. David just backed up none too subtly.

"How do you feel, bro?" Don asked, eyeing him worriedly.

"I feel..." Charlie's free hand ran over his chest then his abs then over his crotch. "I feel pretty damn good if I do say so myself." He turned to face the three men. "Want to check?" he said, taking a step forward and offering his body to them.

All three men took a big step back at once.

"Look at you! Three big FBI guys! All fraidy cats! Big, hot, burly fraidy cats... Mmm..."

Charlie started towards them and they scattered, all putting at least one big piece of furniture between them and the scientist cum sex crazed lunatic wielding a toxic sex ball.

"Hey, buddy... Amita's just down the hall. Why don't you go pay her a visit?"

"Amita..." Charlie wrinkled his nose. "Why would I want her skinny chicken butt when I've got beefcake on the menu right here?"

Don pulled out his phone and activated his walkie-talkie feature. "Megan! Get Amita over here now!"

The sounds of running feet in the hallway approached and Charlie rushed to the door. When Amita showed up at the doorway, he smiled big for her, but barred her entrance.

"Sorry, honey! I'm busy!" He slammed the door in her face and locked it. "I'm busy getting busy," he said with a lascivious laugh. "Who's first?" he called out to the room.

"Colby, you are so dead for bringing us this box," Don growled.

"Let's just focus on surviving the X rated math professor first, shall we?" Colby shot back.

"Come on guys..." Charlie said as he stalked them through the office, trying to get one of them close enough to touch. "I'm hot! I have tenure and my hair has its own fan club! How can you resist this?"

"David! Colby! I'm going to distract him so you can escape!"

"Don, you don't have to sacrifice yourself for us," Colby said, eyeing Charlie. "I'll stay and uh, look after Charlie until he's himself again."

"Like hell you will! He's my brother, Granger! Not a fucking pop tart!"

"Fucking... Tart... Mmm..." Charlie headed for Don.

"I'm out of here!" David yelled as he raced for the door, panicking in true horror movie fashion when the lock jammed just as Charlie came at him. He finally threw the door open and burst out, knocking Amita down in the process.

"Close the door!" Don yelled.

Megan managed to get the door shut and hold it closed as Charlie banged against it.

"Damn," he said, disconsolate. "I lost one of my playmates." He turned around to look at Don and Colby, brightening back up. "Who wants to play tag? Strip tag?" He pulled off his jacket and tossed it aside then started unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm it!"

"Colby, I'm not going to argue with you. He's my brother and I'm going to take care of him no matter what. I changed his diapers when he was little so I can handle this."

"Well, that visual just drove all thoughts of sex from my mind," Colby huffed. "Good luck." He made a dash for the door when Charlie's back was turned and slammed it behind him.

(Twenty minutes later in the hallway)

"The crashing has stopped," Megan said, attempting to sound hopeful.

"Why wouldn't he want me?" Amita mused to herself, ignoring Megan as she paced the hallway. "I'm hot. I have a Ph.D. I have great hair..."

"Apparently the ball only works with guys," Colby said, leaning heavily against the wall.

"And you'd know that because?" Megan stared him down and he suddenly became greatly interested in a spot on the wall.

The door opened abruptly and Don stood on the threshold with a carefully constructed mask of non-emotion. Botox doctors would have been impressed. Only the slight red flush of his face gave anything away.

"You guys can come back in now," he said, his voice all business in a macho 'I am not gay and if you even suggest it I'll kick your ass' tone. "Except you, Amita. Charlie says he'll talk to you later."


"FBI business, Amita. Excuse us."

Don closed the door after his team had entered.

Charlie sat in a chair in the middle of the room with his hands handcuffed in front of him. He looked both slightly disheveled and majorly embarrassed, his curls unable to hide what seemed to be a semi-permanent blush on his face.

"No one talks about this. Ever." Don gave them the Look of Death ™ and they all nodded vehemently in agreement.

"So what now?" Colby asked as his glance turned from the mortified professor to the table where the three boxes sat. With books placed over the lids. And a few chairs on top.

"We continue with the experiments," Megan said. "We open another box only this time..." She looked at them. "I think I should do it."

"Uh, can I get these cuffs off now?" Charlie asked mournfully.

The entire room responded in unison.


Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 06:43 pm (UTC)
Forgive me for posting fic to numb3rs_slash without an actual slash pairing, but I figured the content is plenty slashy even if there's technically no pairing.

I left what happened in those twenty minutes vague, so fill it in any way you'd like. I figured this way it's safe for those not into cestfic and those who do like it can imagine whatever sexual scenario they want for the brothers during that time. My assumption is that Don either got Charlie to masturbate or masturbated him himself just to end the mania. I don't believe Don touched the ball himself, but I can see an argument made that he knew Charlie needed to have sex and the ball would take away his inhibitions long enough to provide it.

Without going into the way the balls work - other than to point out that men and women do not have identical biochemistry - I wanted to point out how the smell of the ball is interpreted differently by each man. One might assume - especially if one is the author /grins/ - that the ball just smells like sex and each individual recalls the scents associated with the first time they had sex. (I'm not sure Don would find the smell of sex mixed with locker room odors to be as tantalizing as a fall bonfire, but you get the point.)

Up next, the second ball... Muahahahaha!


Emma DeMarais
andi: Don Heroadmiralandrea on November 12th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah! :is busily imagining scenarios for that "lost" twenty minutes:

This was a lot of fun! Looking forward to more *g*
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
LOL Part of me wants to write missing scenes for this later showing the twenty minutes of David/Colby wild monkey sex and the Don/Charlie forced masturbation and subsequent embarrassment. But I've got to content myself with the handful of scenarios I have planned for the balls beyond the four fic I've already written.

At least at the end of the four fic everyone will know what each of the balls do. Then we can play around with them some more.

/is all proud she didn't type 'play with Colby's balls'/

fredbassettfredbassett on November 12th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
"Not exactly what the FBI wants on YouTube," Colby mumbled under his breath.

Lovely line, then there were just so many great ones that I would have been quoting the whole fic back at you!!

And Charlie's hair certainly does have it's own fanclub, and I'm a member!

Great fun, and I'm soooo looking forward to seeing the next installment :)
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
I like that line too! As soon as Charlie said 'record' my mind just went there on its own. /grins/

Not sure if you've seen or heard of the Hair Club for Men commercials, but I'm reminded of their spokesperson saying, "I'm not just the president, I'm also a member." /snicker/

I think I only added one new line to this one when I polished it for publishing. ("Bill Nye would have been proud.")

I kind of hope to punch up the next one so that people who read it before it came out have something new to look forward to. :-)
irena_adler: Charlie entertainedirena_adler on November 12th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
Whee! *snicker* Those chicken beefcakes ...

I'm a little confused, though, have they just been opening the same box/ball over and over?
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
Chicken beefcakes! LOL! Good one!
/kicks self for not thinking of it first/

It'll be clearer once you get through the fic for all three balls. But so far Colby has done some opening alone when he first got them and opened just the sex ball box with David. Under threat of death from David he can't admit they had sex under the effects of the sex ball so all Charlie and the team know is that Colby touched that ball and was suddenly consumed by the desire for sex and consummated that desire the only way he could being home alone.

So they test the ball from scratch to try to prove if Colby's assertion is correct. They start with that one because it's the only ball Colby can tell them had an affect on him. In the next two fic they test the remaining two balls and discover what properties that have.

So yes, so far as far as the events covered in these two fic is concerned the same box has been opened twice.
telperion_15: Charlietelperion_15 on November 12th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, I soooooooooooo needed this tonight!

*cracks up*

Could quote the whole lot back at you, but that could get tedious, so I'll just settle for this one...

"It's not like any of these guys have had sexual thoughts about me." All three men suddenly found the need to look elsewhere, Don most successfully.

For some reason this just made me snigger hysterically!

Also, on a somewhat different subject, just wanted to say thank you for my handbasket - I'll treasure it always! Somehow managed to miss the bunch of comments you posted to my fics the other day, and have only just discovered them *headdesk* So thank you!

Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC)
Humor is a great tonic, isn't it?

I never know what lines people will focus on. Personally I'm abnormally attaches to the line about Charlie standing up after being bent over and how it made little difference in his height. /grins/

You're welcome! I'm not sure when I became the old guard, but I've handed out a few now. I got mine from the incomparable penguingal (along with a pretty pink ribbon for it from red_tanger) two years ago, so I guess I am part of the first wave of Eppescesters.

I look forward to seeing more fic from you in the future!
iolsaiiolsai on November 12th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
I just re-read it, hoping you had put in some more funny lines in the final version, like you did with the previous story.
I can always use a good laugh :)
However, I don't think I noticed any new ones- were there any?

Regardless, it's still an amusing story.
I especially like how he pushed Amita away for the guys and David and Colby running for their lives....
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 12th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
This one didn't need a rewrite like the first one did. I added the line about Bill Nye being proud, but I think that's it.

I'll have to see if I can punch up the next two a bit more just so the readers who previewed it can get something fresh out of it. ;-)
iolsaiiolsai on November 12th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
Fresh jokes are good.

Of course, you know what would be even better?
A brand new sequel series!!

I know, I know, I'm super greedy, but can you blame me for trying? ;-)
I just love funny stories.
Tangles: Charlieentangled_now on November 14th, 2007 06:10 pm (UTC)
I missed one! This is just as funny as I remember. Colby's air of... 'yeah, been through this before' and his many little under-his-breath mutterings just make this section full of win.

Then everyone pretty much fails to resist him and has to resort to running away...or not!
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 14th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC)
Hee! Yeah, I like that by the fourth one David's totally bored, Colby's tired of repeating himself and Megan is the only one actively engaged and even she's getting rote over it.

It'll be nice to write these after the balls are all established and I can just move ahead with more, uh, hijinks. /grins/
Mia: theboysmia_dcwut_09 on January 5th, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
Im not into incest but i could imagine don trying to wrestle charlie down and getting him on the chair and handcuffing him rofl so funny
megan and charlie's banter too funny
hmmm...wonder if ball like that really exist
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 5th, 2009 11:07 pm (UTC)
It's still a gen fic, nothing sexual happened between Charlie and Don during those twenty minutes. If it's not clear, Don *ahem* made Charlie take matters into his own (handcuffed in the *front*) hands. LOL

If sex pollen exists in the real world, we're all in big trouble! ROFL The balls (sans mystical powers) do exist though.


And I really do like the banter in this whole series. It's wonderfully snappy, which I adore reading and writing.

Thanks for reading more!
Mia: teammia_dcwut_09 on January 6th, 2009 12:31 am (UTC)
yup I know i would be *looking around*
cool i check it out
no problem i love reading any good c/c fic and banter amazing