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20 November 2007 @ 03:27 pm
Numb3rs Fic: Four Red Bumps  
Posted to numb3rs_slash

Title: Four Red Bumps (Sequel to Seven Red Roses)
Series/Universe: Three Red Balls
Pairing/Characters: Don, Charlie, Megan, David, Colby
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Judgment Call
Summary: Don plays guinea pig with the last ball or so they tell him
Notes/Warnings: Read the disclaimer on my LJ

Don looked up from the floor - and how the hell did he wind up on the floor anyway - into the anxious faces of his teammates. And his brother. Who was holding a bat. And looking guilty.

"You okay, bro?" Charlie asked, extending a hand to Don who took it to stand, his other hand going to the back of his head.

"My head's killing me. Feels like I got a bump the size of a watermelon back there," he groaned.

Colby helped to dust Don off, making sure he did a really good job until Don glared at him. "It was a cantaloupe last time and an orange the first time."

"Got it," Megan said, making notes. "Let me know when you're ready, Don. We'll get started with your briefing."

"What briefing? What's going on?" He turned around, looking all over Charlie's office bewildered. "Why are we all here in Charlie's office? Isn't it a Saturday?"

"He knows what day it is at least," David said, lounging in one of Charlie's guest chairs looking bored.

"Read this." Megan put a sheaf of papers in his hand.

Don rapidly read most of the first page before looking up. "This is nuts! Is this some kind of story? Three red balls?"

Every person in the room pointed wordlessly to the three boxes on the table.

"Since you don't remember," Colby intoned, clearly tired of this. "May I remind you not to open more than one box at once and not to touch or pick up any of the balls in the boxes."

"What's stopping me?" Don said, confrontational.

"You signed a legal document," Megan said, handing him a copy.

"We all did. No touching Colby's balls without permission," Charlie said with a yawn. Knocking people out was harder work than he thought it would be.

"Man, your lawyer must have thought you were nuts when you asked him to draft those agreements for you," David said with a chuckle.

"I tell you I kind of wish I'd used the memory ball on him afterwards."

"Memory ball?" Don asked.

"Page two," Colby explained, pointing to the documents in his hand.

Don finished off the first page and read the second. "So anyone who picks up the ball forgets everything in recent memory. Where's your proof?"

"You're reading it, bro." Charlie tapped the pages. "Doesn't the handwriting look familiar? It's yours."

"Yeah, the fact that you can read it proves it's yours," Colby scoffed. He could say that because Don no longer had the earrings. Or a gun. Not sure which would have been worse.

"None of this explains why I woke up on the floor."

"Page three," Colby and Megan said in unison. David had wandered off to play darts.

Don read on then looked up, enraged. "You hit me with a baseball bat!"

To his credit, Charlie made an attempt to look innocent. Unfortunately his genius did not extend to acting nor to fending off angry big brothers, but at least he knew the latter from experience. "It was for your own good," he confessed as Don gave him the patented Look of Death ™. "But seriously, we can't go on like this. You'll end up with brain damage or a fruit basket for a head or something."

"You've hit me more than once?" Don shouted.

"Page four," all three of them replied.

Don sank into a chair and read the rest of the pages.

"So let me get this straight. You've knocked me out three times already, correct?"


"Because the longer you're under the more you forget and knocking me out is supposed to cancel out the memory loss effect?"

"Well, mostly because you never believe any of this and keep needing to pick up the ball again for proof."

"Why would I do that?"

"Flip the last page over," Megan directed. "You attempt to explain it to yourself there."

Don tossed the pages aside, flustered, only to have Colby pick them up and put them back in order for the next time. He was getting good at this. "Buddy, help me out here. I trust you. Tell me straight up. How do we fix this?"

"Do nothing."

"What? How does that fix anything?"

"It'll keep me from hitting you again. And really, it's not as satisfying as I thought it would be after all the years I spent dreaming of it in high school, so I'd really prefer not to have to do it again."

"I can't do nothing! That thing stole my memory!"

"Here we go again," Colby said with a sigh. Being good at something was fine, but this certainly wasn't as entertaining as teasing Megan. Or sex with David. Colby's brain went to a happy place.

"It's the one on the end right?" Don headed towards the table. "There has to be..."

With a clunk, Charlie's bat connected with Don's skull and he went down a fourth time. Don would call that batting a thousand. If he wasn't, you know, unconscious.

"Why did you do that?" Megan exclaimed. "He didn't try to pick up the ball."

"No," Charlie admitted. "But I just figured out how to end this madness." He walked over to the table and swapped the middle box for the one on the end.

Megan jotted down the change in her notes and Colby - not wanting to take any chances - wrote out sticky notes with the ball types on each and stuck them on the bottoms of the boxes. He really is smarter than people give him credit for. Not Charlie smart, but put him up against a side of beef and he'll beat the meat nine times out of ten.

"So we do this one more time," Megan said, understanding. Where's the beef, indeed.

"Yeah, only this time Don will think he's picking up the memory ball, but instead he'll be picking up the sex ball. That way he won't need to be hit over the head to get out of this Escher loop." He cocked his head towards the door. "You guys should wait outside. I've got this one." As they filed out Charlie grabbed Colby by the back of the shirt. "Hold up."

"What the..." Colby felt Charlie's hands on his ass, well to be clear above his ass, or to be more precise at the small of his back above his ass, but still - hands in strange places!

"I need these." Charlie pulled away with Colby's handcuffs in his hand.

"Anytime," Colby said with a stupid grin on his face. He wandered out recataloging all the things he thought were hot so he could find room on the list for Charlie's hands on his almost ass.

Once the door was closed behind them, Charlie handcuffed Don's hands together in front of him. He may have been quietly cackling, but we wouldn't confess to that in a court of law. Unless we were threatened. By Megan. Okay, she wouldn’t even need jewelry to get us to talk. She's just scary on her own.

"Payback's a bitch, big brother," he taunted as Don started to show signs of coming around. "But hey, it beats another watermelon..."

(Twenty minutes of what we can't say even if Megan threatened us later)

The door opened abruptly and Charlie led a confused and flushed Don out of the office.

"I'm taking Don to the hospital to get his head checked out," Charlie told them. Colby looked at Don's crotch before looking at his skull. What? Someone had to go there! "He might have a concussion."

"I'll go as well," Megan said. "I can't in good conscience give him back his gun until he's cleared by a doctor."

"Actually, I'd prefer you not give it back to him until I'm safely at home. With the door locked," Charlie said in a low voice. "Come to think of it, can you spare some Kevlar?"

Megan just gave him a glare. "Don wouldn't shoot his own brother..."

"I'm standing right here!" Don said, annoyed. They ignored him. He wasn't armed.

"If he did, he'd take a head shot so Kevlar wouldn't help you," David added.

"Not helping," Charlie growled. "Just help me get him into my car so I can take him to the ER."

"No way!" Everyone stared at Don. "I may have a head injury, but I'm not insane. No way I'm getting into a car with Charlie behind the wheel!" He looked at Megan first, then Colby - who looked way too eager - to David. "David. I'll pay you to take me to the hospital. Twenty bucks, cash money. What do you say?"

"I say now you're talking!" He cocked his head towards the parking lot. "This day's not a total loss if I can make a few bucks off of it!"

As they walked off down the hall, the final snatches of their conversation could be heard.

"If you're hinting at a raise save your breath."

"Don't make me raise my taxi fare mid-trip on you! You forget, I'm a New Yorker..."

"So..." Charlie turned back to Colby. "After the hospital we can discuss further studies of your balls."

Megan choked on her own saliva, which is no small feat, mind you. "I'll see you at the hospital, Charlie." She made a graceful exit, well about as graceful as you can while you're trying desperately not to crack up laughing.

"No way, man. Haven't they gotten me in enough trouble already? I'm taking these home where they'll be safe."

"So that's it? You're taking your toys and going home?" Charlie pouted.

"Well, I hadn't planned on stopping off to take them to dinner and a movie on the way," Colby snarked.

"Dinner and a movie?" Charlie blinked.

"You're right, bringing these things into a movie theatre would be worse than yelling 'Fire'," Colby said, before shaking his head at what had just come out of his mouth. He headed into the office and gathered up the boxes in his arms before heading out towards the parking lot with Charlie following close behind.

"You have to let them be studied!" Charlie yelled. "Science demands..."

"I don't care about science!" Colby shouted back, rushing to his car.

"You can't just do nothing!"

"Watch me!"

Technically he wasn't doing nothing since he was walking to his car and getting into it, but we'll let that slide. This is Colby we're talking about after all. Colby 0, Side of Beef 1.

Megan was backing her SUV out so Colby was trapped in his parking spot until she moved out of the way.

Charlie stood at the open driver's side window, still up in arms. He's cute when he's all indignant in the name of Almighty Science.

"You have to trust me! I'm not just trying to get into your boxes!"

"You're not touching my balls!"

A loud crash made both of their heads whip around.

Megan had run her SUV into a pole.

"Run! Save yourself!" Colby cried as Megan got out of the SUV, furious - earrings swinging. As Charlie bolted for the safety of his office, he could hear Colby's famous last words. "Remember the Alamo!"

Hey, I said they were famous, didn't I?

Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 20th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
I'm going to Special Hell for this. I posted a no slash installment then a het installment and now we're back to a no slash one. I swear! The Series gets slashy again! Honest! (Okay, so Don/Charlie fans can again fill in the missing twenty minutes any way they choose, but that doesn't make the fic slashy IMHO.)

I can say that because I'm part way through writing the next sequel, Nine Red Apples, and there is a certified gay kiss in there.

Now if the muse would just cough up some gay porn to follow, I'd be all set. And so would Colby. ;-)

For anyone who read an advance copy of this you must have noticed I added a whole new ending to the fic. I'd foolishly forgotten the 'twenty minutes later' bit in this installment so adding it gave me an opportunity to try to add a bit more humor to this one since it wasn't as funny as the others. Annoyed Don does tend to put a damper on the fun. ;-)


Emma DeMarais
ladygray99: Caliladygray99 on November 21st, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
I have a weird fondness for crack!fic and dear god is this close. :-)
munchkinofdoom: Don - Amusedmunchkinofdoom on November 21st, 2007 03:02 am (UTC)
Oh dear. I particularly loved poor Charlie realising that the reality of beaning his brother with a baseball bat - four times! - didn't live up to his teenaged expectations!

And Colby deciding that everything is hot, and having to reorganise his list in order to include being almost!arse groped by Charlie. And losing a battle of intellectual wits to a side of beef... *cackle*

I particularly liked the moment, in your notes, when you mention you're already well into the next part!
irena_adler: Don headacheirena_adler on November 21st, 2007 06:35 am (UTC)

I found this section a little more confusing than the others. Maybe because Don was so muddled? (No wonder, if they keep bashing the guy ... *g*)
NV: [n3] charlie // grinneur0vanity on November 21st, 2007 09:55 am (UTC)
OMG, icon love! How appropriate.
NV: [n3] don // funny fuckerneur0vanity on November 21st, 2007 09:55 am (UTC)
Another great chapter. Boxes and balls? Lady, you're killing me!
(Anonymous) on November 21st, 2007 12:13 pm (UTC)
That was totally hilarious.
Karen: numb3rs charliebyrons_brain on November 21st, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
"You've hit me more than once?" Don shouted.


I love this series..... ::bakes cookies::
fredbassettfredbassett on November 21st, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
I love annoyed!Don but : They ignored him. He wasn't armed. !!! Great!

So much to love about this!!! Hilarious stuff, so looking forward to the rest :)
telperion_15: Dropping the Stelperion_15 on November 21st, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
*joins in the general hilarity*

This story rocks - a little bit of insanity to brighten up my day!
Mia: colbymia_dcwut_09 on January 5th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
colby at the end was so funny loved it