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07 January 2008 @ 11:53 pm
Bones Fic: Pie and Sweets  
Written for yuletide 2007
Crossposted to 206_bones

Title: Pie and Sweets
Pairing/Characters: Brennan, Booth, Sweets
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Seasons 1-3
Summary: Booth and Bones call in Dr. Sweets to help them solve a disagreement on a topic near and dear to Booth's heart
Notes/Warnings: Read the disclaimer on my LJ

Other comments are housed at Yuletide.

"Booth, you shouldn't have asked Sweets to come down here."

"Bones, he said we could call him for emergencies and this is an emergency."

"Well, I disagree."

"You see that right there is reason for therapy. Everything I say these days you disagree with."

"No, I don't!"

"Ha! You just did!"

"That wasn't fair! I was merely stating that I do not patently disagree with a hundred percent of your statements - which in my opinion makes perfect sense since it's highly improbable that I'd agree with a hundred percent of them either. Some disagreement is bound to happen in a work partnership."

"But you disagreed with me on the issue at hand."

"Yes. See! I agreed with you there!"

"Bones, all you did is agree that we disagreed."

"It still counts..."

"Listen, when Sweets gets here we tell him and let him decide who's right and who's wrong."

"This is not an issue of right and wrong, Booth! It's your opinion against mine and the only reason we're disagreeing is because your ego won't let you be wrong about anything that's the province of men to know. Is it too hard to believe that a woman might know something about a man's world?"

"So you admit it's a man's world!"

"In your head it sure is."

"Hey! Do I not have a female partner?"

"I'm the only forensic anthropologist around! The next nearest expert is in Montreal!"

"That's not true. There's Zack."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, well, maybe not. But we're partners, you're a woman, ergo I must have respect for women."

"Did you skip logic class in college or just not take it?"

"Oh, now you're just going to flaunt your education over me, Dr. Brennan?"

"Intellect and advanced education are impressive and worthy of flaunting."

"You know what's impressive? My gun."

"So we're back to the male bastion? Solve everything with violence?"

"Isn't this the argument that got us into trouble in the first place?"

"That's implying a disagreement is trouble. I for one am happy to disagree."

"We can disagree about work, we can disagree about food, we can disagree about movies..."

"Just not sports?"

"No. Not hockey. Hockey is sacred."

"So if you get sacred topics, do I get them too?"

"Sure, pick something. Knock yourself out."

"Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan... I got your call. How can I help?"

"We need a matter settled - of utmost importance."


"Bones here implied..."

"I didn't imply I stated it flat out."

"I'm trying to talk to Sweets here. Anyway she says that anthropologically speaking hockey isn't much better than boxing on ice and the main function of the sport is to provide an outlet for the players' violent tendencies."

"And Booth argues that it's just a normal sport and the fights that break out with what I consider alarming regularity fall within normal parameters for any male dominated sport."

"What she said, only I didn't need quite so many words to say it."

"Hockey... You called me out here at 8:30 at night about hockey?"

"Well, it's important. Booth used to play hockey..."

"I even considered going pro for a while there..."

"So this disagreement as he calls it is being interpreted as an attack on his ego and it's affecting our work relationship."

"Which is your job to fix, Junior, so go! Fix us."

"Goodness... Okay, Dr. Brennan... Statistically speaking the violence level in hockey is above average for male dominated sports so your perception of the number of fights per match is not inaccurate."


"However you're incorrect in your assumption that the main function of the sport is to provide an outlet for the players' violent tendencies."


"Why are you saying 'ha'? He didn't say you were right."

"Yes, but he said you were wrong, so ha!"

"Not exactly, Agent Booth. Dr. Brennan is just mistaken in the subject of her analysis. The main function of hockey isn't to provide an outlet for players. It's to provide an outlet for spectators."


"You're still wrong, you know."

"Yes, but I'm righter than you!"

"Much like the spectators in the old Roman Coliseum, the average man needs an outlet for his aggressive tendencies. Rather than release that energy inappropriately certain sports - hockey included - allow for a more, shall we say energetic fan experience? Rooting for one's team and ranting against the opposition is part of healthy competition and relieving the primal blood lust by watching the occasional brawl is cathartic."

"Ahh... It makes sense. I get it now."

"Happy to be of service. Anything else I can do for you?"

"No, thanks. Sorry to keep you up past your bedtime, Sweets."

"Don't worry, Agent Booth. I'm old enough I don't need tucking in anymore. Good night Dr. Brennan."

"Good night!"

"Why did I ever think another squint could solve our problems?"

"I don't know, I thought he did a great job."

"Well, I disagree."

"See? I'm not the only one who does the disagreeing in our relationship. Here. Have some of my pie."

"Pie... Give me that... You know if you'd just offered me pie to start with we wouldn't have needed Sweets."

"Don't tell me you go for that old saying 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach', because basic anatomy..."

"Don't start, Bones. I'm eating."

"Still that saying is incorrect and inappropriate."

"Whatever, I'm just saying that pie is better than Sweets."

"I can agree on that."

"You can?"

"If you're willing to share the pie."

"It's my pie, you gave it to me."

"Hey, I offered you some of my pie, not all of it!"

"Here's a solution for you. Waitress! We need more pie over here!"

"I knew you were smart, Booth."

"Bones, for you I'd buy a whole pie."

"Booth, for you I'd promise not to smush the pie in your face."

"Have you been watching the Three Stooges with Zack and Jack again?"

"Yes! Actually, anthropologically speaking..."

"Not now, Bones. There's pie..."

Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on January 8th, 2008 07:54 am (UTC)
This fic was written as a Yuletide Treat for recipient Maeve Bran as part of the 2007 Yuletide challenge.

The request was for a friendly banter piece between Brennan and Booth, but I couldn't help but want to put Sweets in the same position they'd put Gordon Gordon in earlier - coming to the diner to resolve an issue in their partnership.

I adored Stephen Fry as Gordon and was prepared not to like anyone they used to replace him. But gah! Sweets is adorkable adorable! Considering that my main fandom (Numb3rs) is about a genius prodigy and one of my bigger fandoms is Criminal Minds which *also* has a genius prodigy, is it any wonder I love Sweets? Plus he's just pinch his cheeks cute! I can't help myself. Hehehe

I recently added Cupid as one of my fic fandoms and guess who cut his banter chops on that show before working on Bones? Hart Hanson! I hate to say it but the banter is Cupid is way better, although I'm a bit biased as a fan of Cupid for ten years now. /grins/ Still, I love banter, thus I write Bones and Booth, Morgan and Garcia and Trevor and Claire. Best banter since Moonlighting. :-)

FWIW, I'm known as a dialogue author so having a fic that's 100 percent dialogue? Not unexpected. ;-) (I also fancy dialogue free fic as well, because I'm contrary like that. /grins/)

So Maeve Bran, thank you for the great prompt! It was a treat for me to write your treat!

Very special thanks to hhertzof for her assistance with this fic.


Emma DeMarais
perhaps some frottage is in order: Dean's a doctorsororcula on January 8th, 2008 08:19 am (UTC)
LMAO. This is adorable. You got their voices down perfectly! :-)
Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:03 pm (UTC)
What a nice compliment! Thank you!
FreeSpiritbuffyangellvr23 on January 8th, 2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
lolol I love it :)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thanks!
Sarahoo!sarabones on January 8th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
Really.. well done! :D
Loved it! So in character and really funny xD
;D I totally could see that happen :P
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks! As much as I miss Gordon Gordon I'm developing a thing for Sweets. Hehehe That plus BANTER! Always fun!
andi: Evil Enableradmiralandrea on January 8th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
I'm a huge fan of Kathy Reichs and recently got her latest book, which had a free DVD of ep 1 of Bones with it. I wasn't sure if I'd like it, because it's just not the Tempe I know and love from the books. But I do like David B, so I thought I'd give it a go. One viewing, and I ordered the first season DVDs! I've watched that pilot twice already *g*

And having loved it, I decided I'd try reading my first Bones fic. So, I have no idea who Dr. Sweets is, but I still enjoyed this anyway and from my limited experience, I really liked the banter between Booth and Brennan.

(And hooboy, is Emily Deschanel hot or what??)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
That's a great marketing idea! So many books fans must be like you - worried about how it would translate, but seeing it for free? Good way to get you hooked.

I was wary of David being in anything after Angel given how many years he'd played one character over two shows, but he won me over as Booth eventually. I still think Booth is *too* quirky just as a way to distance himself from the brooding Angel, but there are enough episodes where he's serious (Aliens in a Spaceship OMG that was such an amazing episode!) that I've had a chance to love him for who he is.

She's not my type but dang is Seeley a bad name or WHAT? Temperance is bad enough. Gah.

You get Gordon Wyatt, whom you'll recognize instantly being a Brit, in Season 2 and Lance Sweets (who replaces him) in early Season 3.

If you like Reid in Criminal Minds? You'll probably like Sweets. He's kind of Charlierific. Hehehe
(Deleted comment)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm new to writing the fandom, but I enjoy their banter a great deal. It's fun to write!
ladygray99ladygray99 on January 8th, 2008 06:10 pm (UTC)
WooHoo! Bones fic. Nice :-)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
Man, how many fandoms *do* we have in common?

/mind boggles/
ladygray99ladygray99 on February 1st, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
I've got plotted out but not written yet a numb3rs/bones story with Charlie/Zack lovin'
makd: celebrationmakd on January 8th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
I really, really liked this fic when I read it at Yuletide Treasure. In fact, I recced it here: http://makd.insanejournal.com/46909.html#cutid1

Thanks for 'fessing up! Now, I can post a writer's name to the fic's title.

Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:15 pm (UTC)
Aww, it says it's f-locked so I can't see it. :-(

But THANK YOU! I'm chuffed that I got recced at all since it's my first Yuletide. I have a couple other Bones fic - not many - but they're tagged and memoried if you want to give them a look.

Thanks much for the rec!
I need more coffee: Ice hockey Dave 2a_mistletoe on January 9th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
Very good dialogue fic. It was totally them. How frustrated he must get!
beautifulday14beautifulday14 on January 19th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
LMAO! Nice work! You've got them very in character. Love the all dialogue, and of course, the last line is awesome. Great fic.
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

They're such fun, I had a ball with this one!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on January 30th, 2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm happy to hear you thought it sounded like them since I'm new to writing these characters. (This isn't my first Bones fic, but I haven't done many.)