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28 November 2008 @ 11:59 pm
Supernatural Fic: History and Words Left Unspoken  
Posted to supernaturalfic
Crossposted to spn_castiel

Title: History and Words Left Unspoken
Pairing/Characters: Castiel, Anna, Dean, Uriel, Alistair
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Lazarus Rising, AYTGIMDW, IKWYDLS, Heaven and Hell
Summary: In the end Castiel does not obey (Heaven and Hell penultimate scene)
Notes/Warnings: Read the disclaimer on my LJ

This is dark business; Castiel feels no joy in this mission. There is a weariness inside he cannot merely assign to his host body. Two thousands years they served side by side; the scant twenty years Anna Milton has walked the earth is no more than a heartbeat in their shared history.

"Hello, Anna. It's good to see you."

She may no longer have her grace, but echoes remain of the being he once knew, the one whose hallowed footsteps he followed without question, the one to whom his loyalty was second only to the Creator. He answered to her and she answered to Him.

Until one day she didn't.

This Anna, he cannot bring himself to call her human or angel in this state, she kisses Dean as if her love is a benediction - this emotion she fought so hard for, sacrificed eternity just to feel.

When she forgives Dean, he cannot watch. She is too holy to have fallen and he aches inside - the body housing him rebelling against the control that keeps its human aspect at bay. These humans... They both rebel against their feelings and fight to the death for them. In the last two thousand years he has watched endless wars, many in God's name, and seen millions killed over beliefs. Hate, anger, jealousy... This is what Uriel sees in them. But Anna saw the love, loyalty and hope.

Castiel saw it too, he sees it.

But he must obey.

"I am sorry."

"No. You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling."

The man within this skin surges up, crying out to be heard. He thinks if he just gives him voice this one moment, cedes him just enough control, lets the boundaries between host and visitor slip for just one moment he might... He might feel. He might understand.

He wants to understand.

More so, he wants her to understand what this means to him.

"Still, we have a history. It's just..."

"Orders are orders. I know. Just make it quick."

He prays to the Lord for intervention; there must be another way.

And then the demons appear.

The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.

"Sorry, kiddo. Why don't you go run to daddy?"

His powers failed him in his hour of need. How can this be? The Latin grinds in his ears like harsh gears. The hand at his throat burns with the Hellfire that spawned it. The host body is failing, rejecting him, the incantation repelling him from this plane of existence...

And then Dean - Dean of all people - saves him. Castiel did not question God's order to descend into the pit and raise up this hedonist non-believer, yet it is now Castiel who believes all the more that the Lord did have a purpose in returning this man to the world of the living.

He barely recovers before suddenly there is Anna and Uriel and the grace released from its chamber. Grace is unique to each angel; it seeks holy union with the soul that expelled it without emotion. Grace does not forgive. Grace merely is.

These fragile bodies, they are not well equipped to handle possession and Anna's full grace is too powerful to contain all at once. It enters her, glows inside her, overwhelms with holy fire.

"Shut your eyes!"

The humans obey. Castiel does not.

"Shut your eyes!"

He gazes at her with eyes wide open, unafraid of her true form.

"Shut your eyes!"

Her beauty, her familiar true face is revealed to him in the split second before she explodes, obliterating the demon with the force of pure good that she leaves in her wake.

He knows this light, this force - knows it like he knows his own true heavenly form.

And now he knows the words he struggled to express before.

He has missed her.

Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on November 29th, 2008 09:55 am (UTC)
I confess I only wrote this fic because I've been publishing fic every day this month and realized after 11PM I didn't have anything ready to go for the day.

I figured I'd like to write some more Castiel related fic, since my earlier fic The Price of Peace got remixed over at remixthedrabble recently. That and I really enjoyed Heaven and Hell. The look on Castiel's face when Anna was glowing was almost pious and that fact that he looked away when she forgave Dean? It just screamed for me to get inside his head and see what was going on.

Apparently it's hard to write feelings for beings who don't really feel. Here's hoping I won't think this fic is a pretentious mess after I wake up in the morning. ;-)

Additional disclaimer: dialogue in italics taken directly from the episode.


Emma DeMarais
(Deleted comment)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on November 29th, 2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
Re: well done!
Thank you very much!

I figured if angels are supposed to be emotionless and they're working for a fairly absent god then grace might be like like them, like him - pure and holy but without any sort of emotion. In a way, it just obeys as well.

I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment!
tabaqui: castielbluebyladymansontabaqui on November 29th, 2008 11:08 pm (UTC)
Ah, i love it. Castiel, that doubting, liking, troubled angel...
*pets him*

Good stuff!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on November 29th, 2008 11:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I love that he has doubts and yet still is so otherworldly about it, not human.
just abijustabi on November 30th, 2008 12:15 am (UTC)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on November 30th, 2008 12:18 am (UTC)
Thank you Abi! Haven't seen you around for ages!
just abijustabi on November 30th, 2008 03:22 am (UTC)
I know! It's been forever.
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on November 30th, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
I had just seen your name on the numb3rs100 Author List and was thinking, man, that was a long time ago!

Apparently you snuck over to SPN and it's so big I didn't really see you there!
(Deleted comment)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on November 30th, 2008 01:15 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! That's kind of you to say.
Tori Lovelostandalone22 on November 30th, 2008 09:29 am (UTC)
Great story!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on December 2nd, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
labseraphlabseraph on December 1st, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
It is a lovely glimpse of Castiel's headspace and his struggle with what he needs to do and what he is doing. I think you conveyed his otherwordliness here very well and fleshed him out a lot more than we see on the screen.

Just lovely.
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on December 2nd, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I think Misha does a fabulous job of making Castiel seem otherworldly and I wanted to try to do his acting justice. Castiel's fascinating - more so in juxtaposition to the rigidly black and white Uriel. Anna makes it seem like angels can't have doubts, yet Castiel proves that some of them are more - for lack of a better word - human than others.
     Mandya_phoenixdragon on October 26th, 2009 07:24 am (UTC)
Damn...this was beautiful, honey...

*hugs you*
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on October 26th, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it!