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02 May 2010 @ 04:13 pm
Numb3rs Fic: World's Most Dangerous Groomzilla  
Posted to numb3rs_slash

Title: World's Most Dangerous Groomzilla
Pairing/Characters: Ian/Colby, Don
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Sniper Zero, Judgment Call
Summary: Ian is always scary but even more so when it comes to his wedding day
Notes/Warnings: Read the disclaimer on my LJ

"Where is he!"

As Don opened the door to the dressing room he all but winced at Ian's volume, bracing himself for impact as he stepped into the groom's room.

"Ian, you need to calm down..."

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Ian yelled. "I'm supposed to be getting married in half an hour and no one knows where my fiance is!"

The ushers who had been valiantly bearing the brunt of Ian's ranting snuck out as Don put out a hand to try to ease Ian into a chair - an effort that was wishful thinking at best.

"Colby's fine, trust me."

"He was supposed to be here an hour early - at least - like me!" Ian's flailing gestures were constrained by his tuxedo, annoying him further. "Ugh! And I hate this tux!" He went to tear off the jacket, but Don managed to halt him in time.

"Ian, hold up! Colby's going to be here in plenty of time and you need to be ready for the ceremony."

"Where is he?" Ian asked again. "Why won't anyone tell me?"

"Because you're the third best shot in the country?" Don offered with a grin. "Okay, first? Brendan's just a kid..."

"Colby's cousin? The ring-bearer? What did he do?" Ian asked, sufficiently distracted from his ire for Don to smooth out his now rumpled tux.

"He just spilled a little something on Colby's dress uniform pants, that's all. Colby's mom couldn't get the stain out so David rushed them to a one hour cleaner that promised to have them ready in 15 minutes." Don straightened Ian's bow-tie and caught his eye. "He will be here. Colby won't let you down."

"Nobody better let me down today," Ian growled. "This has to be perfect." He stuck his head out the door to glance into the decorated hall before Don could stop him. "Damn it! I told them not to hang that stupid garland up there and they did anyway!"

Don flipped open his cell phone with a discreet roll of his eyes. "Mrs. Granger? It's Don Eppes. Ian needs to talk to Colby. Thanks."

At the sound of his fiance's name Ian's attention snapped back to Don who just handed the phone to Ian.


"Hey, Cole..." Ian's voice softened instantly. "I was worried that you weren't here yet."

"It's just a mishap with my uniform. And hey, David just drove up with my pants from the cleaners. I'll be dressed in two minutes and at the hall in five. Okay? Don't worry. I'll be there."

"Okay." Ian lowered his voice. "Love you."

"Love you too. See you in a few minutes..."

Ian hung up and handed the phone back to Don.


Don put the phone away, nodding. "No problem."

"I'm going to go keep an eye out," Ian gestured, heading out the door.

Don just smiled at the devotion until he heard Ian's voice booming across the hall.

"No! No! Those flowers are in the wrong place entirely!"

Emma DeMarais: BlueEyeemmademarais on May 2nd, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
This was written for swingandswirl's 500 word fic prize at n3rs_commentfic which she won for submitting the greatest number of comments overall during their contest period! Congrats, Tam!

She asked for Ian/Colby commitment fic and suggested a bunny of Ian as groomzilla that I thought would be hilarious. Thus this fic: a bit of fun and a bit of sweetness.

Thanks for supporting n3rs_commentfic Tam!


Emma DeMarais
lilacs_roseslilacs_roses on May 3rd, 2010 12:02 am (UTC)
ROTFFLCMFAO!!! (Excuse the language!: Rolling On The Fucking Floor, Laughing and Coughing My Fucking Ass Off!!!)

This had me doing an entire gambit of emotions because... jeez... Reading this, I could help sympathizing/empathizing with Ian and with everyone else. It also brought back memories of my own wedding -- which *I* was a half an hour late for! And my mother-in-law-to-be was the one who did all the decorating and decision making and all that jazz. We didn't get a band or even a DJ who really knew what he was doing. The camcorder didn't work. The father-in-law-to-be was our... um... 'photographer.' Everyone left early. And etc.

LOL Thanks so much for the fic, Emma; this was AWESOME!!! LOL

Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
HEE! Hey, I was just executing on Tam's most excellent bunny! Once she said Ian as groomzilla it almost wrote itself. /huge grin/

LOL at your capslock ROFL! That was great!

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

(And yeah, wedding stories! OMG Something goes wrong at every wedding Y/HellY/OGODYES!?)
Elorienlorientad on May 3rd, 2010 01:39 am (UTC)
$laugh$ tht is awesome. i can totally imagine it!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 02:13 am (UTC)
Thanks! While I almost never 'see' my fic, this one? Oh, yeah! I could totally see and hear it!
ladygray99ladygray99 on May 3rd, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 02:13 am (UTC)
HEE! (I ♥ Tam's brain.)
ladygray99ladygray99 on May 4th, 2010 05:01 am (UTC)
I meant to give you more feedback but was on my way out the door. This really was a wonderful little piece of slightly warped brilance.

I love Tammy's brain too. She gave me a bunny for a Charlie/Colby secretary fantasy and even sent me a picture of the dress Charlie should be wearing in it.
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 4th, 2010 05:26 am (UTC)
HEE! Share? /looks hopeful/

And slightly warped? ROFL /adores/ That's perfect!
Tamanna: Colby smileswingandswirl on May 11th, 2010 06:05 pm (UTC)
*sneaks into thread to feed that bunny organic carrots and good chocolate*

*runs before LG can shoot her*
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 11th, 2010 09:57 pm (UTC)
No running! I want to see the dress! LOL
Glass_Gemglass_gem on May 3rd, 2010 02:23 am (UTC)
This was made of pure awesomeness, I love it,

Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 03:10 am (UTC)
Thanks! All credit to Tam for her fantastically funny bunny!
lives_to_learnlives_to_learn on May 3rd, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
Oh I loved that! Hilarious!! I needed a fun story after what has been in my head all day.

Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 05:33 am (UTC)
I'm glad to hear I was able to give you a nice laugh when you needed one. Tam's bunny certainly did that for me when I first heard it.

Thanks for reading!
devon99 on May 3rd, 2010 10:14 am (UTC)
You lured me in by the fab title. There is normally no chance of me reading Ian/Colby, I can't see/feel it at all, but *giggles* this was a fun read.

Nicely done ♥
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 07:49 pm (UTC)
See, I figured the title might grab a few people! I figure the humor of it trumps the pairing; this would have been funny no matter who Ian was marrying really.

As far as seeing it goes, beware! I may make you read Wilderness Bound! It may have a similar effect on you as SHH (though not so strong). FWIW a huge portion of WB is gen/pre-slash with only a bit of real slash at the ending aka one of those slow building slash fic I am so fond of writing, only in WB they get to actually have sex 'on camera' once or twice. LOL

Anyway, I'm glad you gave it a chance if only because I'm chuffed at having given you a nice giggle over it. ♥
laura_trekkie: Meglaura_trekkie on May 3rd, 2010 11:04 pm (UTC)
Oh! This made me grin... from the safety of a different country to Ian *g*.

It was funny weird to see Ian out of control like that, because normally, he's scary on purpose, where as this was just nervous near-panic. One of those situations that Don will be able to look back on in a few years and laugh, even if right now he's a little concerned :D.

Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 3rd, 2010 11:07 pm (UTC)
ROFL Yeah, it's best to laugh at someone like that from a safe distance. An ocean apart doesn't hurt. ;-)

I'm sure if Don recalls this day in the future he'll be careful to only talk to Robin about it in the safety of their own home. He's a smart man and Ian has really good ears. Hehehe

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Laura! I appreciate the effort. :-)
lillyglillyg on May 3rd, 2010 11:57 pm (UTC)
Ian's panic is priceless!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 4th, 2010 12:07 am (UTC)
It's like a funny version of one of those Mastercard commercials! Hee!

Tamannaswingandswirl on May 4th, 2010 03:47 am (UTC)
Roomie is not here, so I'm free to bust a gut laughing... again. I was out for a walk yesterday and kept breaking into laughter at random points at the memory of this fic. I'm quite sure all the people who passed me en route thought I'd lost my marbles...

OMG, Emma, this was *just* as funny on reread. I just love love loved Ian's panic and Don's exasperation and Colby's easy calm. (Perhaps he's used to Ian freaking out by now?) *g*

Once again, Emma, thank you so much for this wonderful fic- I absolutely love it! *hugs fic, then you*
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 4th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
/hugs you like mad/

It's all you, hon. You gifted me with the bunny and that's all anyone would have needed to slam dunk this fic. The idea of Ian as groomzilla alone is hilarious! Brill! /bows down/ I'm not worthy! /grins/

Plus I adore that you're still tickled by it. I love the idea of a long lasting happy like that. It makes my day. :-)
Tamannaswingandswirl on December 10th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
So it's like six months later and I STILL chuckle every time I remember this fic.

The bunny might have been mine, but the (absolutely fantastic) execution? All yours. Brava, Emma. /snugs and hands cookies and sparkling cider/

And now, off to reread. Again. :D
Karen: castle det espositobyrons_brain on May 6th, 2010 09:23 am (UTC)
LOL, this is just too funny.... love it!
Emma DeMaraisemmademarais on May 6th, 2010 09:27 am (UTC)
Hee! It was fun to write too! :-)

/sends tea and scones/
Karen: primeval cpt beckerbyrons_brain on May 7th, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
MMMmmmm delicious... we definately need more of Groomzilla, he's so funny.....